


End of Exile

by Always_IKnow



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Episode: s02e22 The Wire, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27653680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Always_IKnow/pseuds/Always_IKnow
Summary: Set during The Wire. The implant was Garak's beginning and ending.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	End of Exile

The lights burn but feel more akin to full-body frostbite most of the time, yet another foreign (and horrifying) consequence of associating with Bashir. Some fragmented part of his mind now best related the scenario to something he'd read about starving humans trapped on a mountain in a Colorado? Unfeeling and _inherently inferior_ Bajoran atmospherics; Starfleet improvements not worth noting. The station architecture remained pure Cardassian but that was more of an insult than anything; of course advanced Cardassian engineering had been preserved while the Bajorans prized comfort over efficiency. Home but not _home_ , and really Tain had been magnificently cruel in this punishment. His breath caught in his throat whenever the restless shadows of long-forgotten closets crept in from the cold.

The endorphins had been permanently rushing through his rotting brain for years now. "Look and see how I suffer for you, Father," Garak would mutter, half-certain Tain likely was watching and laughing whenever he'd activated the implant. _Turning a safeguard into mental masturbation, what a surprise, Elim._ _Traitor._ But never in his heart: a refrain always echoed from somewhere that seemed lightyears away. When the waves of warm contentment enveloped him things like _incompetent, failure, un-affordable weakness_ seemed like minor transgressions by comparison. Hollowed laughter at _I should have left you for dead._ Garak still wasn't sure if using the implant was a survival mechanism or just a less hands-on suicide attempt, and it hadn't really mattered at the time.

* * *

"You really just intend to let him die?" Julian paced from wall to wall, the turns occasionally punctuated by ("subtle" glances Garak would have mocked him for) furtive looks at the former head of the Obsidian Order. 

"I couldn't sway Garak from any of his... misguided paths if I wanted to, Dr. Bashir." Tain sounded resigned.

"Did you ever even try?" Bashir rounded to fully face the monster and found merely an old man. 

"Are you familiar with Cardassian riding hounds?" 

"Er, a bit? I've seen references in literature."

"It's rather unusual for outsiders to take interest." Tain's prior detachment now appeared distinctly artificial. 

"I suppose so, but that's not why I'm here."

"It might just end up being the "why", so forgive an old man for indulging in a short tale. Our riding hounds are less domesticated than the Terran equivalent and even adult Cardassian males can struggle to tame them.

"I've known Garak for a very long time, and when he was a boy I took him with me riding. He was terrified before I helped him up the first time. And then the beast hurled him over and over until he was bruised and bloody, but Garak refused to give up. I nearly had to carry the boy back to his parents after that."

Tain's gaze drifted out toward the window while Julian seethed. A massively long-winded childhood anecdote while Garak's health was in danger? Right, yes, Cardassians, just as the manic drive toward action Julian felt down to the bones was the doctor in him. 

"I don't mean to be rude, but was that story meant to convey that Garak is a survivor and he'll get through this somehow?" Oh yes, Julian, brilliant move, the leader of a literal spy organization certainly won't be able to figure out you're that you're fishing for helpful information and trying to hurry this along. 

"I told you a story of a a barely controlled, dangerous beast few men can tame and two people who haven't existed in a very long time. I can see why you find much of our literature boring if you're that literal. The implant wasn't designed to be removed or for long term use. ElimGarak knew thatand wouldn't have cared what it cost him until now. There's nothing you or I can do for him. Go back to the station, Bashir. Maybe Garak is finally getting what he deserved."

* * *

"I went to see Tain. I know your name is Elim and I know you were apparently equally as stubborn as a child as you are now, and that I should probably adjust to everyone mocking my understanding of Cardassian literature. I am going to figure this out, Garak. I won't let you die for whatever sins you're punishing yourself for."

Julian cringed at the amount of desperation and need in his voice.

"My dear doctor, I'm _rewarding_ myself. The sensation is reminiscent of more pleasant times when I just a simple gardener."

He had been in love with her; enough to make plans to escape and risk both their lives. It was ludicrous to assume he could have been anything else after their meeting. If she hadn't been born a relative of the Dukats and he had been born something at all it might have been different. Youthful emotions clouded his judgment and blind loyalty to Cardassia and his father, an absolutely pathetic level of disgrace on his part, never to be permitted again.

Julian's perfectly professional concerned healer's expression felt more personal than Garak would have preferred. Interrogations as the questioner (torture murder monster) flashed wildly before his eyes before he leveled a gaze filled with contempt at Julian.

_I saw you and I wanted you. Stupidly and selfishly I was determined to have you; I would rend you broken and destroyed, worshiped and cherished. My dear, I'm afraid you weren't safe with me from the moment I laid eyes on you. Your smile tore at a scarred over wound I've learned to ignore. Doctor, to be quite frank, your alien golden-dark skin ignited my veins and I positively relished the slight trembling of your muscles, your nervous shoulders under my hands._

_You have become the sole source of warmth and light in my miserable existence. We touch and suddenly it's a warm spring day. I smell the trees of home and Edosian orchids and the mountain air I'll never breathe again. You are a new kind of home and one infinitely better than I deserve. Maybe in another life._

The words die in his constricting throat. Julian is very young and very Starfleet and so idealistic that it hurts on occasion, but he is _good_. Wildly impossibly so. If there remains hope for the galaxy at large Garak is certain that people who are nothing like himself will be the ones to enact to it. Julian was worth more. Cruelty and rage at his own dependence were Garak's final gift of freedom to the doctor. Julian would eventually reciprocate with a life of adventure and heroism to honor a friend. Guilt still clawed away at Garak's insides like a cancer.

 _"_ Please forgive me. I need to know that someone forgives me."

"Whatever you've done, I forgive you." The tricorder emits a steady tone until Julian snaps it closed. Did Cardassians have a belief in an afterlife? "You deserved better."


End file.
